| I wish i was not such a straightforward person. I wish i could process and think about what i'm gonna say, before actually saying it out. Many times, i say things witout considering people's feelings. And after i realized i hurt them, it's already too late to retract. Perhaps that's why i don't have much friends. I know there are many of you out there who dislike me. Frankly speaking, i don't bother going around making friends and intergrating myself into everyone's life. I'm probably very self conscious. I always have this feeling that whatever i do, whatever i say, i'm being judged. But ironically, i still continue being the mean insultful person i am. There's no point changing yourself to please everyone right. But still, i think the fault lies in me.
I have a bunch of new, nice friendly classmates this year. C, J, A etc.. And it's already been close to a year that we're classmates, but i don't know much about them. I don't say hi to them or anyone when they come into class. I always stick to the same person. I just, don't think i can mix well with people. Or rather, i have a very hatable character.
This year was pretty much a boring year. Nothing really fun or exciting happened; different class from yunyun, new classmates, (new) training coach etc. Guess we all have to adapt.i mean, Change is the only constant in life right?
I remember on Jan 1st i wrote a whole list of targets i hoped to achieve this year.
100m <13.00s
200m<27.00 sec
400m<60.00sec
800m<2.28 min. Now i feel quite silly. I mean, did i really think i could do all those. What was driving my confidence back then. Where did all that boost come from; and Where has all the optimism gone? Looking at all my timings, i realized I didn't even go near to any one of my targets. Running 60.89sec for 400m. What have i been doing all my training. Early this week, i asked my juniors how many of them actually geniunely enjoyed training. I'm quite glad many of them raised their hands. But when i ask myself that question, there was no answer. Can't say i like training very much. But can't say i dun like training either. i mean, for all sports poeple out there, i'm not sure if you guys feel the same, but is there anytime when you guys just dread training and wished you could escape from it. Now every training i'm just running aimlessly. All i do is run, encourage teammates and go home and forget everything i did during training. It didn't used to be like last year, when after training i would go home and think about what i did and how i can improve etc. What am i training for? After i left the Cross Ctry team, i'm becoming more weak mentally.
J.R, Taffy, Priyanka and now, even steph have left the sprints team. There's only me and Amanda. If only things we like when we were in sec one.
Last year seemed like a perfect year for me. 400m Record, A1s, good friends etc etc.
I hope next year would be a better year for me, and for everyone else. |
